I lied.

The title of this blog page is “avocado is the only fat i want“but that is the biggest lie I’ve ever told. Right now I want a double cheeseburger, extra sauce, a large fry, and 6 pieces of pizza to wash the cheeseburger and fries down. I like cheese and I love carbs BUT my mother always said that if you smile long enough you’ll convince yourself that you’re happy. So here’s a blog about my journey from eating cheeseburgers to convincing myself I like avocados more.

Now that I’ve gotten that lie out in the open, I solemnly swear to never make my life look perfect when it’s definitely not.

Today started at 8:28 am when I woke up from a dream about an old lady telling me I was too young to have saggy arms… and she’s right. I’m a 23 year old woman and I weigh 242.2  pounds as of 8:35 am this morning. 42.2 pounds more than I weighed a year and a half ago… I’m almost 6 feet tall so I will probably never weigh less than 150-160 pounds, but I’m done with being heavy AND I’M DONE WITH BEING SAD!!! So I did what any other strong woman would have done, I cried like a baby. Then I realized that 6 months ago I paid for 10 passes of boot camp and had only gone twice.. so at 8:45 am I throw my gym clothes on, the ones that I’ve been using to binge watch Netflix in, and I ran out the door for 9 am boot camp! (Yes those clothes did have food spills all over them. Note to self, when eating buttery popcorn use a napkin instead of your pants)

The gym is on the same property as where I live (but yet I never go) so within three minutes I’m walking into a room filled with much much thinner women than myself.  I energetically hopped on the stepping machine while the teacher and other boot camp members ask me why I’ve missed the last 4 months of boot camp… uhhhh….. I’ve had to work every Saturday? I was in a coma? my cousins great uncles dog was sick?  Oh wait, no I’m just lazy and I like french fries.

After I used the “I had to work every Saturday” excuse, I started working out and realized that it’s just as hard as I remembered it being. Despite it being tough, I kept going because of the weigh scale number I had seen this morning.  I won’t go into detail on the exercises today but I will tell you that every time I saw myself in a mirror I wanted to yell “who is this red-faced, sweaty, fat looking chick that can’t do 2 push ups”?????? Then I realized that I’d just emotionally shredded myself apart and was now too sad to motivate myself to work out.

You have to love yourself to lose weight, I know it’s a crazy concept. If you love yourself why would you want to change yourself????? but I’ve learned that every time I beat myself up I’m telling myself that I’m not worthy of loving myself or getting to a place where I feel good about myself. Which leads to me curling up in bed under the safety of a ton of blankets and watching Netflix to stop myself from thinking about my stomach that currently can’t fit into any of my clothes. Beating yourself up is what leads to quitting. so I shook the hatred towards myself off and told myself things I liked about myself. Surprise surprise it worked, and then I killed those 20 burpees. That’s right…. all these years your mother wasn’t lying… it does pay to be positive.

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